Two Steps Forward, One Step Back
- The Archivist
- Feb 26
- 9 min read
Or, read another way, "Take one step back to push two steps forward."
It's funny how often we want to make linear progress in our endeavors, bulldozing our way forward without taking time to secure our foundations. Any time a setback occurs, that one step backward, it's a period of great frustration, filled with huffs and declarations that everything is going wrong. I've been there, and I know I'll be there again.
However, that one step back can be crucial for progress, because it allows us to strengthen the foundation for the work that has already been put in.
When lifting weights, for example, sometimes you want to regress how much weight you're using so you can ensure you're lifting with proper form, otherwise you might injure yourself by over-compensating with different muscle groups than the ones that should have been working. The week where I lowered or did away with the weight amount I was using for my exercises, I discovered I hadn't been using my glutes for single legged hip raises like I should have been. I was compensating with my lower back and hamstrings. Yet when I removed the weight entirely and focused on that mind-body connection, I felt my glute muscles firing, and hoboi was it intense. "Regress to progress," as Cori from Redefining Strength likes to say. "Take one step back to push two steps forward."
When I was more reliant on reading online writing advice, one recurring theme branded itself in my mind. Nowadays, I just chuckle to myself and shake my head at it. "Don't go back and edit until you're done!" Though it may work for many, I find this piece of advice misguided for myself, and I highly doubt I'm alone. I've tried to follow it, but the end result has always been me falling into a mild depression thinking, "I'm not cut out for writing." Sure, I'll run with the first ideas that come to mind even if I know they're a weak joint in the story, but when I find myself truly stuck in the mire, returning to those earlier sections and smoothing out those kinks can inspire the necessary solution for my problem. That said, I try to leave actual language editing for the full revision process. "Take one step back to push two steps forward."
There's something almost meditative about regressing and strengthening the foundations of what came before. Maybe that's why it's a good problem-solving option when nothing else seems to be working.
How I've Applied This to Teyr'loch Delter Pach
If you've been following my journey thus far, then my landing on this idea of, "Take one step back to push two steps forward," as a result of my current dilemma with the performance probably comes as no surprise. I've just never really thought about it as a concept to practice until now, because it was just something I always did instinctively. And then I would berate myself for doing so, because really I should just get everything written before I go back and fix anything!
I've learned to trust my instincts, at least for this creative outlet.
So, I broke out my notebook to get away from the computer, and I reminded myself what this performance about "Fate" and "Fear of Fate" should encapsulate by writing it down: "It should encapsulate Efiál's return journey to Cael w/ emphasis placed on the evolution of how they regard Fate, from rejection and denial of its existence due to trauma, to the idea that Fate = the consequences of one's actions, to the separation and acceptance of what Fate actually is [in this setting] and the ability some people have to catch brief glimpses of the future based on how events are unfolding." Insecurities set in place by others using Fate as the medium led to these Fears, and this performance is about them unpacking all of that.
Cael isn't afraid of Fate itself; they're afraid of becoming a monster, which they were told was their Fate. They've developed the self-confidence now, however, to know that that Fate won't happen, not unless something reality shattering and tragic happens to destroy their faith in people or their will is subjugated to another's whims unnaturally such as via spell or potion, at which point they would no longer be themselves.
I rewrote some general notes on how I want the performance to progress to solidify the scenes and themes I want to include:
Dark times to lighter
Self-acceptance resolves fear
Maryn is Cael's "Fate" (meaning that he's a force that Cael will have to resolve so they can finally live freely)
They're trying to disentangle themselves from the Fate that was thrust upon their shoulders as a child
And then I asked my partner for a description of Phusyn, the god that represents Fate, which gave me more tools to use. They are androgynous to show that Fate applies to all, they hold a mirror in one hand because reflective surfaces are how they share visions with others--my own headcanon is that it's also to show that it's up to the person reflected to decide whether that fate or another comes to pass--they wear a blindfold because sometimes you need to block out your other senses to better attune yourself to your fate, and they hold in their other hand a lantern with 8 red ropes blooming from it to signify Fate as a guiding truth. Everyone shares the same end, but how each individual reaches it is ultimately up to them, each fiber of yarn in each strand woven in the rope a different path that makes up an individual's Fate.
The blindfold description sparked an idea for the area in the 3rd Arc/Interlude where I've been struggling, but it's not enough to solve the overall problem I've been having of showing their conflict with Fate coming to a head, but now I know that once they accept the existence of Fate they'll be putting on a blindfold for a good portion of the rest of the performance! So, that's a win!
Yet I still felt that there was a missing overarching thread for the performance. So much of the former half revolves around Maryn trying to manipulate Cael's future and how that created a twisted interpretation of what Fate means to them. The latter half of the performance focuses less on that struggle and more on Cael's potential struggle balancing the fate of all the Planes with the fate of their partner. While I have the general form of the performance planned via the readings, and it should theoretically work, there's just some element that I haven't yet found to tie it all together.
So, to help myself visualize the structure better to see if I could find that element, I mapped out the major sections, minus the intro, and wrote the general progression of events.
I probably should have included the intro, but I didn't think to because I thought it was fine as is. Funny how it's the section I wound up editing for the rest of this past week, but I'll get to that.
After creating that overhead look of the form, I zoomed in a little to look at each individual category. This time I did start with the intro, and it didn't take much note jotting to spark other ideas. I'll type what's written below the image, since I know my handwriting can be difficult to parse.
Intro
Song: Shadow of their mother singing to them?
Scene b/w Cael & Valen w/ them ?ing their part in everything/expressing fears
Promise to live the life they always wanted
Dance b/w Cael & Valen, montage of life in Willowdale
[ Show the waking nightmare when they were sick w/ pneumonia?
[ Life is a precious thing?
[ Zoning, such as during the Starlight Festival?
[ Valen calling them Kalduin, them using Te'thuil?
[ Shadow puppetry of Vorlen's interview, being accepted into the College
Dance ends w/ Valen dusting away
Intro ends w/ Maryn's letter? ]
Or Valen's kidnapping? ]
Or Act I begins w/ it; I'm free until the events of Valen's kidnapping bind me again
[ End w/ the memory of Maryn's letter ]
I had mentioned on an earlier page in the journal that maybe I was putting too much emphasis on the music that I wanted to use and not enough on the overall coherency of the scenes, so this was my attempt to not limit myself to a 5 minute piece of music and let the ideas flow, the only requirements being that they tie into "Fate" somehow.
I started to do the same for Act I but quickly returned to the Intro when another idea presented itself.
End w/ Cael casting Invisibility on themselves after releasing Valen's hands; he gets a distant look in his eyes before he, too, dusts away? Then the memory of Maryn's letter to close out the intro altogether.
With these new possibilities in mind, I moved to my computer, reading from the start of the intro, adding in the shadow puppetry with their mother singing them the lullaby, and then moving into the scene between Cael questioning Valen if they're fated to become a monster like those depicted within the song.
Up until this point, I didn't view the smattering of memories Cael did have growing up as vital because this performance was more for their father, and I felt I could relay their struggle with their traumas without resorting to scenes I've used before.
Yet as I was reading the dialogue between Cael and Valen, it occurred to me that it was those very scenes that may have been one of the pieces I was missing. The dialogue presented the perfect opportunity to include those memories and thus provide the necessary context for Cael's struggle during the next stretch of the performance. Here's a short snippet to illustrate what I mean.
Cael: Am I going to become a monster like those people, Valen? Is that the fate of anyone who has a connection with the shadows? Is that why I was erased?
[Memory: For a moment, you are a child, and you are empty, as empty as the vial you hold to your lips. Someone calls your name, but you don’t react until she tells you to look at her. You lift your gaze to your mother’s as she kneels before you. She asks you some objective questions, which you answer obediently, ending with a question that you do not understand. You remain silent. She nods, takes the vial from your hands, and passes it to another person, who bows and leaves.]
Valen: Cael…
Cael: Were my parents right to be afraid of me? Are you afraid of me? If I’m fated to become a monster, then why didn’t my parents have me killed outright? Then they could’ve tried again for a normal child. I’m sure the people in power would have understood and made an exception to the law if they’d known how broken I was.
Cael has the ability to share their memories with others who are willing, depicted by the change into 2nd person POV here, though no sound accompanies the memory when shared. Since this conversation with Valen was shortly after they "awoke" they still had the mentality of a child, hence the rapid-firing of questions.
A few more memories strewn throughout the dialogue, and BAM, context to tie everything together later. Will it solve my problem with the middle point of the performance? I have no clue, but I'm giving that section time to simmer in the back of my mind until I return to it, and hopefully this time it will be with a stronger foundation, since I took one step back to push two steps forward.
Other Notable Accomplishments:
Been enjoying these PowerBlock dumbbells so far! I finally feel like I'm going to be able to start making progress again. I think I was subconsciously slowing down my progress for some of the moves because of how quickly I started to reach the upper weight capacity of my previous dumbbells. Now I feel like I can push harder because there's a greater gap to close before I need to worry about the upper weight limit again. Woo!
The only move that's somewhat awkward with them is the dumbbell lying leg curl
Took care of some Wawfuls, like finally running some errands that we've kept putting off.
Started reading, "Legends & Lattes" by Travis Baldree.
What's Left of Teyr'loch Delter Pach?
The Introduction has now become Act I.
Pihm's Harrow reading has become Act II.
Father Ambien's Harrow reading has become Act III.
Act II
Arcs 1 & 2: Review / Strengthen the weak points
Arc 3: Future / Interlude
Scrap it all!
Actually, I don't know that for sure. We'll see when I get there.
Act III
Arc 1: Past
Arc 2: Present
Arc 3: Future
Questions for Contemplation & Discussion:
Name a time when it's felt like for every 2 steps forward you've taken 1 step back. Can you reframe it as that 1 step back being necessary in order to progress, or was it really an instance where the setbacks only did more harm in the end than good?
This Week's Obligatory Cat Pic: Qiri
Double whammy 'cause she's just too cute!
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